Loving to hate myself- the journey to accepting my postpartum body

I have always been my own worst enemy when it comes to my body image and that’s a fact. When I look back on my teenage years and into my twenties - I was never honestly overweight but I was so critical of anything I saw as a flaw and I would hyper focus on that flaw. So I guess it shouldn’t have come as a surprise that when I did not drop the baby weight after I had my oldest that I would start hating my body.

It is such a conundrum really- you have just brought another LIFE into this world, who cares if you’re left with a few extra pounds after right ?……. Well I CARED. My daughter was born healthy and she was absolutely perfect in my eyes- the most precious thing I had ever held. I was on top of the world …….

Until I caught an image of myself in the bathroom mirror. I wish I could say that I saw my post partum body for the first time and felt pride in my new form (after all I had earned that new shape bringing my precious baby here safely) but instead all I felt was………. Disgust. There’s no other way to say it- I was disgusted with my new shape.

When I look back on that time in my life I really wish I could give myself a hug and tell myself that eventually I would grow to love my new body. That was not the case and unfortunately for a very long time I hated my body. Instead of waiting a few weeks to allow my body time to heal, I immediately started doing workout videos on YouTube - I tried working out daily, I tried dieting within reason given I was still breastfeeding, I tried staying active as much as I could and nothing worked. It seemed like the harder I tried to lose weight the more my body held the weight and after a few months of not making any progress I began to get very depressed. I hit a dark period of my life - this wasn’t how things were supposed to go. I stopped working out - working so hard and not getting any results was just taking too much of a toll and I had reached the point of giving up. I resigned myself to the thought of always having this new body and instead of trying to improve it, I got really good at hiding it. I started wearing nothing but baggy shirts and workout shorts because if I couldn’t make the belly fat go away at least I wouldn’t have to see it in the mirror.

My sex life suffered tremendously- I didn’t want my husband looking at me anymore, who could love me when I looked like this? After I hit the depression point I did go to a doctor because I could see the warning signs there - I got put on an antidepressant. Once I started taking the med I was always hungry and so lo and behold I ended up gaining more weight (the birth control probably wasn’t helping matters much either in the weight department). I was so horrified about the weight gain that I ended up stopping both of those medications and I just started spiraling from there. At about 6 months postpartum I stopped breastfeeding and it was at that point I lost my last line of defense. I started drinking pretty heavily each night after putting my baby to sleep in her crib and when the drinking wasn’t helping I would start mixing in my anxiety meds with the alcohol for an extra boost of “I don’t care”. I stayed like that for awhile. I wore the same outfits over and over again and refused to go shopping for new clothes because seeing how many sizes I had went up in jeans mortified me even more. I don’t think I’ve ever been at a lower point in my life than my daughters first year of life.

Once my daughter hit a year old my mental state started getting better. My hormones I think had leveled themselves back out and I was definitely becoming more stable. I eased up on the drinking and stopped using pills. I started talking to my friends and specifically my sister about my struggles with my weight and they were so supportive. My sister especially helped me feel better about myself. I came across a lady on Facebook ( the birds papaya) that does a page on body positivity and reading her heartfelt and raw posts definitely helped turn my mental state around. This was a lady that had multiple children and her body was forever changed by it but she wasn’t hiding it from the world like it was something to be ashamed of- NO. Instead she was posting pictures of her body and using the power of her words to show how beautiful motherhood is. Seeing her posts helped turn my thinking around.  I started seeing some light again. It took a lot of courage but I finally convinced myself to get a sitter and go shopping for clothes to fit my new body. I took several hours that day and just browsed around and when I found something I liked I forced myself not to be discouraged by the sizes I grabbed and tried all of them on in the changing room. And I made one crazy revelation - the sizes that fit me properly now with my new shape ACTUALLY MADE ME LOOK REALLY GOOD! I was floored. I didn’t think it was possible to feel confident in clothes anymore but all the clothes that made me feel hideous were clothes that fit my pre pregnancy body! It finally hit me - I was still trying to fit in my old life, but I WASN’T my old self anymore. I was changed. I had given life to another person- a perfect, beautiful and sweet person - of course I couldn’t fit into my old clothes anymore. Once I made this revelation I gathered the clothes in the changing room and purchased EVERYTHING. I felt better about myself and I felt lighter- like this huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I texted my sister afterwards and told her how I was feeling and she sent back the sweetest message ever affirming everything I had realized in that changing room.

After that day I started accepting my new body and even embracing my new shape. Once my mental state altered other areas of my life naturally got better too ( apparently my husband liked my new shape just fine because the sex was AMAZING afterwards) and I became a better parent.

Sometimes in life when we are struggling with something the problem is that we are trying to make it fit where it doesn’t belong.

I didn’t belong in my old life or clothes anymore and when I changed my perspective my life changed as well.

If you have made it this far thank you so much for allowing me to share my story with you- this was NOT an easy one to write because it reminds me of such a dark place and if you are here reading this because you are in that same place please know - you are beautiful, you are amazing, you are doing a great job.

Sincerely,

    The “F” bomb Mom