Damned if you do, damned if you don’t

Let me just start this out by saying that I am not one of those “perfect” moms. You know the ones that have everything together - perfect hair and makeup all of the time, expensive car, designer clothes and shoes- I am by far the furthest from all of that. I see pictures and videos on social media all the time that give off total “Stepford” vibes complete with entire houses full of beige interior with not one thing out of place and pictures of the kids decked out in brown/beige outfits with not a hair out of place and looking like little angels. Then I look at my life - my house with a colorful paint scheme in most rooms, toys that are plastic and every color of the rainbow scattered throughout my home, and it never fails that there are always dishes that need to be washed and laundry that needs to done and most of our family pictures will never win any awards. It’s almost enough to drive anybody to feeling “less than” because our lives do not match that perfectness we see in those photos and videos online. - ALMOST.

The feeling of inadequacy can drive people to do some crazy things and boy don’t I know it?……. I suppose that brings me to the story I’d like to share here. See, one of those “perfect” things I kept seeing and hearing about came from the mommy groups I follow on Facebook. I kept seeing all of these posts online about women who were opting to do or had recently done “natural births”- almost every post described this amazing experience that made all of them feel so empowered and in touch with their bodies and with every post I read it brought me to the conclusion that these experiences all seemed so perfect that if I were ever to have another baby I wanted to opt for a natural birth too. Well lo and behold I did end up getting pregnant again and I immediately started doing all the research I could find on how to manage pain naturally in labor because damn it, I wanted my natural labor experience too! I talked to a few people I knew that had natural births and asked all of them their advice on how to get through this experience as I had two children already but I had gotten the epidural with both of them due to the pain. I kept on doing all of this research and would watch YouTube videos on the subject so when the day came I felt pretty prepared for what was to come.

My labor started out relatively easy and the contractions were pretty manageable at first but once my water broke, within about 30 minutes ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE! The contractions all of a sudden were kicking my ass and oh boy I began questioning my decision to do this with no pain meds.I went from being dilated 7 cm to 9 cm within about 35 minutes and I was definitely regretting my decision by then. The contractions were so terrible and I was in so much pain I couldn’t even think properly. The pain was just SO FUCKING UNBEARABLE. I was screaming full volume that “I can’t do this” “get him out” “please kill me”.

Then it came time to push. That was a type of hell I did not know existed.

I was exhausted- like the type of exhaustion that makes you give up. I had no energy left at that point, I couldn’t even lift myself off the mattress. The doctor kept encouraging me to grab my legs and pull myself up to push more effectively, so I did and it was at that point I discovered the “ring of fire”. If you don’t know- they call it that because it literally feels like your vagina is on fire due to the stretching and BOY DOES IT HURT LIKE HELL. Well naturally when you do something that hurts your body you naturally stop so you don’t keep hurting yourself and let me tell you once I felt that ring of fire I screamed so loud I’m pretty sure people could hear me a few floors away I stopped pushing because HELLO THAT HURTS!

I want to say I laid back down on the bed but truth be told I DROPPED onto the bed and with tears in my eyes I shook my head and said “I can’t do this”. And I really didn’t think I could. I had never felt this type of pain in my life and it still wasn’t over- I somehow had to get this baby out of me but I had no strength left. I thought I was going to pass out but I didn’t. Instead I felt myself being lifted into a sitting position and I felt the leg on my right side being pushed close to my chest- I looked over and realized my husband had helped put me in the right position to push effectively and he whispered in my ear “you’ve got this baby, you’re almost done- our son is almost here, keep going”. Having my husband do that helped give me the strength I needed. At that point I felt another contraction coming on and I gripped my husbands hand and pushed as hard as I could and FINALLY our son was born.

I had succeeded. I gave birth with no pain meds. I was superwoman! I did what all those other women on social media had done and I was on top of the world! - EXCEPT I WASN’T. On the contrary I felt absolutely ashamed of myself- I was ashamed of the obscenities I had screamed (in a catholic hospital no less) I was ashamed the exhaustion had made me quit and give up, I was ashamed my husband had to help lift me into a sitting position.

The nurse that helped me through my labor had come back into the room to check my bleeding and vitals again and I could barely look her in the face as I whispered to her “ I’m so sorry I screamed like that. I’m so sorry”. The nurse looked at me for a minute before she grabbed my hand and looked me in the eyes and said “DO NOT EVER APOLOGIZE FOR THAT. You just did something that a majority of women can’t do and labor is no joke. You are amazing and I can assure you everybody that was in this room with you was impressed with what you just did- be proud of yourself” I have to admit that what the nurse said did make me tear up and it did make me feel better for a little while.

I thought that if I had been able to get through labor naturally I would be running to the mommy groups I was in to share my birth experience but alas that was the exact opposite of what I did. I didn’t share my story with anyone until now.

I thought if I could give birth naturally I would have what other women were posting- “an amazing experience” I learned the hard way that honestly with most things in life you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Don’t beat yourself up over not having that “perfect” whatever it is that you feel is missing in your life because usually there’s a catch that comes with it that definitely doesn’t make it to the social media post.

Sincerely,

The “F” Bomb Mom